Monday, June 20, 2016

spinning : a spontaneous decision // in which i open up about my writing and my life

Ever since the Spring semester ended in May I've been spinning.  At least that's how my mother describes it.  I finished my novel, I've been working in my family's bakery, and I've been reading more than I read during the entire semester, but I didn't feel like I was really going anywhere.  I've been doing things, but they haven't been moving me forward in life, if that makes any sense.  I haven't been experiencing and learning new things, I haven't had any major life changes or great goals I've been working for.
So reminds me of her! A beauty dancing around in her little world of innocence~
Days come and go.  I write.  I read.  I work.  I see my friends occasionally.  I watch too much Netflix and spend half of my life on Pinterest.  I'm doing things (sort of) but if life is an adventure, a journey, it feels like I'm standing in the middle of the path, twirling around.  I'm moving, but I'm not going anywhere.  Or, if you will, it's like a hamster wheel.

So the other day my mom basically said to me, "What if you stayed in Oregon with your grandmother after vacation and just came back in August? She needs someone to help out and you need something to do.  What do you have that's keeping you here?"
It was really out of the blue, about two weeks from the day we leave.  I thought about it for a minute.  "Nothing, really.  Why don't I just stay?"
We talked it through, made  a few phone calls, and now I am moving to Oregon for the summer.

This year I prayed that God would help me take the next step in my life.  I was feeling really stuck, and scared about the future.  Like I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I think this is an answer to my request.  Even yesterday I was feeling really down in the mouth.  What have I done in my life that is of any worth?  What am I even good at?  What am I meant to do with my life?  What if I've messed it all up already?  How badly are my irresponsible past decisions going to affect my future?  What if my biggest project, my writing, the only thing I've been working on everyday seriously, isn't even any good?  That was kind of the biggest blow.
What if I'm no good at the thing I've put my heart and time and tears into?  What if I'm wasting hours and years of my life on something I will never succeed at?

{Saturday's} working on another degree

Yes, I cried about it.  And then I decided not to be defeated.  To try something new.  I've decided that my writing sounds like I'm tiptoeing around, trying not to disturb anyone or say anything overly controversial or potentially offensive.  It seems to me that every good writer has at point, been shunned or criticized because they were fearless in their opinions.

 My mom found me writing with tears still drying on my face, clinging onto that little piece of hope. Hope that I could amount to something if I stopped trying to please people and wrote what I cared about and believed.  I'm not a very open person around the people I love the most.  (It's ironic, I know.)  But we talked, and she told me that perhaps I needed to try new things, to take make sure that writing wasn't the only thing in my life.  

You know what's funny, I think the fact that I've been focussing so much on my writing has actually been unhealthy for my writing life.  I've been taking it too seriously instead of living life to the fullest and using my writing as a tool to talk about life, to explore things that I've learned, and to share experiences in a creative way with others.  And yes, I do think I need to be honest in my writing, no matter whether it offends some people or not.  My writing needs two things: life experience and honesty.  I think that leaving for a month and a half will really help me with that.

Deep breathe in, deep breathe out. Ahhh.
all pictures from pinterest
So I'm going to end this post in all honesty.  I have no idea whether I have potential to be a good writer or not.  I still have no idea what I'm doing.  I have so many questions and so few answers.  I am super nervous about my future, but I've decided to stop just going where the tide will take me and make some decisions of my own.  My opinions and dreams, inexperienced though they may be, need to be explored and expressed more than I have been doing, so they can become stronger.  I think I need to develop my voice and become a stronger person.  I need to take responsibility for myself and my future.  I need to face my fears.

There may be a bit of a change in my blog this summer.  I want to write posts in which I can talk about my new experiences, and express my thoughts and feelings without feeling like I have to please and appease certain people.  I feel like my blog is one of the best places to do this, as it's one of the places I feel I can be most myself.  I think that I have all of you, my followers, to thank for that. Okay, I'm going to publish this before I overthink it and delete this post...

In all honesty, what are your opinions and experiences of this topic? Do you have any life or writing advice for an adventuring young writer? What do you think has been your greatest epiphany as a writer, or just in general?

xoxoxo,
      Lizzy

8 comments:

  1. This post is so brave. Go, you! I think you're on the right track and it sounds like this summer is bursting with possibility and potential for you. :) I hope the next few months change your life in the best possible way.

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    1. Awww, thank you Olivia! Your comment made me smile. Thank you for your support and kind words.

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  2. Oh Elizabeth! This is so good! Every so often I get in a funk like this too. It's hard to describe but you define it so well!! Sometimes I feel like can I just DO something already! I know what I want to do but I can't make it happen yet! Then I have to remember that GOD HIMSELF is preparing me for something and it's gonna be awesome! That's why my word for this year is wait! I can't wait for your new blog posts and I'll be praying you through this season!

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    1. Thank you for your heartwarming comment, Ashley! What a good reminder I forget all to often that God has a plan greater than anything that we could imagine. It's amazing isn't it?

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  3. Thank you for sharing this :D

    I have been feeling exactly like that lately, aimless and kinda pointless. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this, I hope God shows you, your path! Or at the very least a direction ;)

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    1. Skye! I know what you mean. I hope the same for you. As Ashley mentioned, God has something planned, even if we have no idea what we're doing. Best wishes!
      *hugs*
      Lizzy

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  4. Lizzy,
    I'm excited for you. I hope your time in Oregon will bring you some of that self-knowledge that you're seeking. I think every teenager has to go through that point where they have to decide if they want to open up and explore that place inside that's unknown to yourself when you're still a kid. Some people decide to ignore that feeling because they are afraid or because it's too painful. So feel good that you have made this step. It will lead to maturity.
    We'll miss you and will be praying for you while you are gone. :)

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    1. Awww, thank you Elizabeth! I will miss you and Kathryn soooo much! I was just about to sent you an e-mail to tell you. Thank you for being so encouraging. I really hope that this helps me figure some stuff out. I'll be sure to keep in touch!

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Please share your thoughts with me! I LOVE to connect with my readers, and I promise I don't bite.

xoxo Lizzy

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